Throughout our lives we have many different types of relationships, those with our parents, siblings, friends, neighbours, teachers and many other people. Communication is key in all relationships. We also have romantic and/or sexual relationships as we get older. A caring relationship is when two people feel good about themselves and each other.
Good Relationships
Good relationships include things like:
- being good friends
- space and freedom to do your own thing
- knowing your opinions are respected
- having your own interests
- listening to each other
- having fun together
- being able to disagree with each other
- being able to go at your own pace (including sex)
- making decisions together
- being able to talk about it when you have had an argument
With someone who:
- is a caring non-abusive person
- is cheerful
- is consistent
- is supportive
- says you look good
- uses your name
- trusts you
- is happy to meet your friends and family
- encourages you to be independent
- supports your learning and career
- is not afraid to admit being wrong
- accepts that you have a right to say no to sex and respects that
- takes responsibility for their own wellbeing and happiness
- listens to you
- respects your opinion
- makes you feel safe
Unhealthy Relationships
It can be helpful to think of relationships within a spectrum. Imagine ‘healthy’ one end and ‘abusive’ the other end. ‘Unhealthy relationships’ sit within that spectrum.
An unhealthy relationship may involve your partner:
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struggling to communicate with you
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checking up on you and your social media habits
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picking and choosing when to respect your boundaries
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not considering your feelings or what you may want to do
An unhealthy partner may:
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not/poorly communicate
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lack trust
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not respect your boundaries
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spend time only with you and less with other people
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pressure you into activities
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show you little support
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blame you for their mistakes or only focus on your mistakes and not take accountability for their own
Abusive Relationships
Uncaring relationships may involve your partner:
- getting angry when you talk to other people
- calling you names, puts you down and makes you feel bad
- being verbally aggressive or physically threatening you
- using force, threats, emotional blackmail or bargains to make you do things you don’t want to
- posting unpleasant or intimate details about you on the internet
An abusive partner may:
- shout
- sulk
- call you names
- make you feel ugly and useless
- get angry
- spend all your money
- expect sex on demand
- threaten to harm you, your family/friends, your pets or property
What are the danger signs?
The following actions are danger signs of an abusive relationship:
Sexual abuse
If someone does sexual things to you that you don’t agree to, this is sexual abuse.
Jealousy and isolation
Jealousy and isolation is when someone cuts you off from your friends or gets angry when you talk to other people.
Aggression
Aggression is when someone shouts at you or yells at you, uses physical violence or uses violence to solve problems.
Put downs
Put downs are when someone makes you feel stupid, calls you names, makes nasty comments or generally puts you down.
Control
Control is when someone checks up on you all the time, threatens or forces you to do things you don’t want to do or doesn’t let you make your own decisions.
Where to go for help
Relationship abuse is not a one-off event. It is a cycle and usually gets worse if nothing is done to stop it. Abusers are responsible for their own behaviour and it is not your fault. If you are in an abusive relationship, the best thing for you to do is end it. This may be a tough decision to make and you may need help.
Immediate danger – call 999
Under 18? – Visit Childline | Childline for advice and support
How to break up
Sometimes deciding to split up is straightforward – you just know it’s the right thing to do and the time has come to do it. But often it’s not that clear cut.
Breaking up can be healthy and necessary but know when and how to do it is important.
Weighing up the pros and cons
If you’re unsure of whether to end a relationship of not, writing down the pros and cons of the relationship is a good exercise for helping you to figure it out.
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List the good things in the relationship
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List the bad things in the relationship
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Think about how you would feel if you did end the relationship
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Think about how you may feel if you broke up in six months' time
You can also:
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Talk to your partner: Bringing up difficulties in your relationship can be awkward. But if you’re having doubts, maybe they are too? By talking and listening to each other, you may be able to work things out together.
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Talk to friends or family: Sometimes, just voicing what you’re feeling can help you see things more clearly. It can be difficult to talk to a friend about the bad parts of your relationship but it’s helpful to because they will often want more for you than you do yourself. If there’s things that you’re putting up with, your friend can give you the perspective needed to see if the relationship is working or not.
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Talk to a professional: Sometimes talking to someone outside of the relationship, someone who doesn’t know you like a friend or family member does, gives you a fresh and unbiased perspective on the relationship. It can also be easier to except their feedback when you don’t have any emotional ties to them.
The act of breaking up
If you conclude that you do want to break up from someone, how do you do it?
There’s no set way to break up and it’s impossible to completely avoid upsetting the other person.
Be Kind: Consider how you would feel being broken up with. How would you not want it to happen? If you know that sending them a break-up text or ghosting them would really hurt them, consider another way that is kinder and fairer.
Find your words: Try to explain your reason gently and honestly. Avoid saying anything that will hurt them and that you’ll regret later. If you are sure about your decision, don’t say things that will give them false hope.
Choose a time and place: Setting aside time in a space where you will both feel safe and supported is important. Avoid breaking up with them in public or around friends as this can be humiliating and uncomfortable.
Stay safe: If you’re worried that your partner will react with anger and violence, put your safety first. This may mean not breaking up with them in person or taking a trusted person with you.
Commonly asked questions:
'If you're in a relationship, do you need to have sex all the time?'
No - Some people have long-term romantic relationships that hardly or never involve sex. If or when you have sex in a relationship is completely up to you, and the best thing to do is communicate that with your partner. Having sex doesn't equate how good or healthy the relationship is either.
'Is arguing in a relationship a bad sign?'
Lots of people value arguments, especially small disagreements, because they help to vent tensions rather than let them build up. They also let you learn what’s important to the other person and so can bring you closer. The key is to just be aware that you may have different communication styles, and to respect this.
'Should your partner and relationship be your number one priority?'
Even in a relationship you still need to prioritise your needs. If you’re always trying to look out for someone and put their needs before yours, that’s great – if they’re doing the same for you. If they are, logic says you’ll probably meet somewhere in the middle. There might be times where you’re giving a lot more, but there’ll also be times where they’re giving a lot more, instead.